By Thomas Hartig

When we are talking to other people, we tend to believe that we understand each other simply because we are using similar sounds to another person. Yet, words are just words, they are not what they stand for, and words tend to mean different things to different people. See, the only way we can understand language, is to take the words that come in and run them through our experiences, and thus our emotional response to words is highly individual.

Think of words like: Love, war, peace, sex, family, etc. To you some of these might have positive, some negative connotations. To a weapons manufacturer, the word war will however mean something different than it does to you, or not?

This becomes important in our everyday lives, when we are talking to other people. In school we have been taught to paraphrase in order to make sure we understand others, but how can that happen when we exchange their very words with ours…we literally UNDERstand someone else. So how can we start OVERstanding them?

Since language does not describe reality, but create it (Watzlawick), another person’s words will show us their reality. Excellent, that is easy enough. But how do you find out which words make a difference, or which words really matter?

Firstly, look at body language. Words that are important will usually be accentuated by changes in body language, skin colour, pupil dilation, and breathing. And these are just the things you will see! When you listen closely, people usually make a short break before saying something important, their tone will change, as well as pitch and tempo.

So the other day I was talking to someone about NLP training, and I asked: “Why do you want to do an NLP course?” To which the woman said: “Well, I feel that I really want to help people…HEAL!” So when in then said: “Excellent, and you know how NLP and hypnosis can really help people…HEAL, don’t you?” Her response was one of feeling completely understood!

Right then, so what you want to get into the habit of doing is listening to these words that matter, words that are like emotional hot buttons for people, and learn how to use them in your language to increase your ability to be understood by others. When someone says, “I want XYZ” when you ask them why they want it, they will give you these emotionally packed words that are highly important in that person’s reality. But why take my word for it, when you can go out and do this to notice the results. Have fun being overstood!